Be an example with how you respond to criticism

Admit fault when persuaded of it.¹ It is vitally important to admit your faults as you realize them, up to the degree of damage they caused. It is dishonest to refuse to say you are sorry and mean it when you have transgressed against another. It is especially dishonest to admit great fault in a minimal way. The Lord plainly taught that the greater the transgression, the greater ought to be the appreciation for forgiveness of it:

42 And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?
43 Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged. (Luke 7)

If you did something you knew was wrong, or perpetuate transgressions of the same kind repeatedly against the same person, or have deeply violated trust, or any number of other errors of great consequence or particularly nefarious motive, a simple “sorry” is dishonestly insufficient, and makes the matter worse than it was before.

When a person makes a better argument than you, change your perspective. You may not yet agree with them, but honesty compels you to at least adopt less confidence in your position than you previously had. If the event that the conclusion and reasons are stronger than yours, the only honest reaction is to adopt them as your own. This is such a rare occurrence that it is a strong indication of deep honesty in any person who does it.

Don’t respond to criticism with dishonesty. There are several dishonest reactions to criticism, including:

• Blame shifting: Rerouting responsibility for the criticized fault to the one criticizing. No matter what happens prior to each choice you make, you alone are responsible for the choice.
• Gaslighting: Denying the criticism without sufficient reason to disbelieve it. You can’t change reality through decree.
• Triggering the accuser: Attempting to anger the one criticizing you in order for them to say or do something that you can claim is worse than whatever they are criticizing you for.
• Minimization: Claiming that whatever you are accused of isn’t as bad as the accuser states it is, or that the fact they care about it makes it their fault, not yours.
• Character assassination: Saying bad things about the person who criticized you to others, whether they are true or not. Do not tear down another person to try to feel better about yourself—it will only make you feel worse, as the guilt of the damage you do to them and those who might be helped by them will exceed the guilt you feel for your own prior faults.

All of these dishonest reactions to criticism are designed to soothe the conscience of the guilty without them having to improve. All of these dishonest reactions cause great harm to the one using them. If a criticism is true, the only honest reaction to it is to acknowledge the fault, thank the person for caring enough to help you see it, and make appropriate efforts to improve.

Don’t respond to dishonesty with dishonesty. Increasingly often, people feel justified in being dishonest in order to catch others in their dishonesty.² There is no way to do this without harming yourself. Anyone tempted to lie in order to catch another in a lie should try to honestly consider their motives. Too frequently, those who lie in order to incriminate another are after something other than proving the other person a liar. For example, they may want to make the person look bad in order to make themselves look better in comparison, or to justify past or present poor decisions. Is it worth joining another in the penalties of lying in order to publicly expose them? The consequences of lying are upon a liar whether others presently recognize them as liars or not.³ The person you attempt to ensnare may respond honestly by improving, but you will remain a liar whether they do or not.

Never ghost others and always confront those who attempt to ghost you. Ghosting someone is not the same as refuting their argument. If you don’t have a reasonable counterargument, the honest response is to admit to the other person that they have a better position than yours. You could also ask for time to think or conduct more research, but don’t ignore the point made. Similarly, don’t tolerate this behavior from others. Press them into admitting that they lack a sufficient counterargument—doing so is the greatest chance they have for improvement.